I have 3 great fears about being a single mum:
1) That I can’t give Josh a physically and emotionally healthy male role model
2) That I will not be able to provide for him
3) That Josh will feel unloved
I try so very hard everyday to do my best, to strive for honesty and openness so that he can talk to me when he is feeling sad, laugh with me when he is feeling happy and work hard together to do all the wonderful things he wants to do. I work hard to give us, if not a wealthy lifestyle a stable one and I refuse to get into an unhealthy relationship as I believe it will be better for Josh to see me being strong and capable on my own than be bounced about in another failing relationship. It is never enough.
The thought that Josh will ever wonder to himself if he was good enough for his dad literally turns my stomach but I know what its like to be the child of someone who is so deeply involved with their own wants and needs that a child is only good as either a bragging point or a hindrance and I struggled with that feeling, that thought every day until I stood up for myself. I didn’t have that strength until Josh was born and it breaks my heart wondering whether he will be OK or whether, like me he will feel unworthy of love.
Josh really did hang the moon in my eyes and it breaks my heart that his dad doesn’t feel that way, don’t get me wrong I am in no way saying he doesn’t love Josh, he just loves himself more.
It doesn’t mean I don’t get exhausted and frustrated and it certainly doesn’t mean Josh or I are perfect we are far from it (we are human after all) but I want Josh to know what it’s like to have a father figure. Someone that talks to him about his day, knows the names of his friends, teaches him about football and takes him for his first pint when he’s 18. Not because it’s a milestone for them but because they are just so damned proud of him that they want to share his milestone with him.
I want him to feel the true love of a father even if its not biologically correct.
I do my best, I play with him, I hug him, I spend everyday making him aware that this is OUR life not just mine. I do it in little ways and big ways in softness and firmness, life isn’t a balancing act its a story we are creating but I’m buggered if I have any idea how to do it right.
My fear about being a single mum is that I am not enough for a boy with such a very big heart and that soon he will close it to people that are truly interested in sharing his growing life with him.